


Goodbye (I'm sorry)- Jonah angst

by AnDimAcK_cRaCk



Series: Andi Mack ship Oneshots [10]
Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Breathin, Character Death, I love Jonah Beck, Jonah Beck centered, Jonah POV, Jonah can't go on anymore, Jonah needs a hug, Other, Panic Attacks, Someone hug Jonah Beck challenge, Suicide Attempt, the others are in the backround, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:08:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21699013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnDimAcK_cRaCk/pseuds/AnDimAcK_cRaCk
Summary: Unexpectedly, like a thief in the night Depression will come Anxiety Anger Despair will introduce itself threaten existence, test stamina. Like a thief in the night it will come in and take a life.
Relationships: Jonah Beck/Mental health
Series: Andi Mack ship Oneshots [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1449628
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Goodbye (I'm sorry)- Jonah angst

**Author's Note:**

> Major T/W- suicide, Panic attacks, Major death character please only read if you are comfortable

A dark blue sky raged across town people laughing in amusement as the party goers started to come out at night mocking the lonely boy sitting by the lake. cold weather and soft chills blew a few of the leaves that were left from the ground into the lake due to the winter season. His eyes were a dull green they used to be very vibrant some would say like emeralds or spring grass full of life and happiness now they were dull clouded with conserved feelings regret and 2 years worth of pain that's enough to break a man. Which it practically has. his brown hair breezing in the winter air eyeing the water he slowly removed his converse dipping his feet into the water it was freezing as suspected it send shivers through his body and goosebumps up his arms. He stared blankly out his mind reeling and his dull eyes filling with tears but he wouldn't allow himself to cry he didn't deserve to it was his fault everything was. The failed relationships. His family situation which was resolved but he never lived down the guilt. all the events he's ruined with his panic attacks. They fact his friends where probably doing something all together without him because he pushed them all away. They would rest easy laugh together be happy all because he was able to respond with a simple:

_"I'm really busy I can't make it maybe next time"_

_"Don't worry I'm fine"_

He comes to the lake every night willing himself not to cry but this regret and guilt had been eating away at him for months to the point he wasn't alive he was just awake which as the days went by he didn't want to be. everyone notices the sudden change in mood which makes him feel bad that they worry he doesn't deserve them they don't deserve him for sure. His mind knew what he wanted to do but he beckoned himself to not do it here in the early dusk evening in a freezing lake that would be frozen over in a matter of days. he took his feet out they were numb like everything else. Not caring he he put his his shoes and socks back on going home to the normal atmosphere not joyous but not miserable either his mom in the kitchen dad still at work.

_They are gonna manage better without him anyways_

His mom asked if he was hungry he shook his head no she came forward putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Honey are you okay? you seem a little out of it" 

Okay? Okay?? he doesn't even remember what it's like to be okay. 

"Yeah I'm okay mom" Jonah said barley going above a whisper

Jonah headed upstairs to his room closing the door behind him taking his phone off charge viewing on his text messages photos Andi sent to him of his friends that night they had gone to see a firework display at a fun fair a picture of Andi, Buffy and Amber posing under some colourful lights at a booth another picture portrayed Tj and Marty laughing about something and one of Cyrus and Tj sharing a kiss under the fireworks his phone dinged with a text from Cyrus.

 **Cyrus:** _Tonight was fun we missed u everything alright??_

Jonah smiled slightly ignoring the tears falling down his face he laid on his bed responding to Cyrus's text 

**Jonah:** _Yep all good thanks for being my best friend Cy I'm glad you are_

 **Cyrus:** _Aw thanks I'm glad ur mine too goodnight Jo_

The tears on Jonah's face sped as he replied back 

**Jonah:** _Goodnight Cyrus <3_

Jonah got rid of the pass code on his phone so it could be unlocked with just a gentle swipe leaving it turned on. He placed it on his bedside table wiping his eyes as much as he could before returning downstairs. His mom was quick to fall asleep in front of the TV she must of had a long day Jonah hurried to the kitchen not daring to make a sound opening the medicine cabinet to different pills and pots asthma inhalers for his mother.

_He hoped she would still be able to cope with it_

He finally laid eyes on a small bottle with the label _Metformin_ breathing heavily he swiped it and poured a glass of water and proceeded up to his room but at the foot of the stairs he took a final look at his mother placing his items at the foot of the stairs he took a blanket placing it over his sleeping mother she looked so content and peaceful he hoped she would still be able to sleep afterwards. He planted a soft kiss on her head moving her hair out the way a little a tear fell from his face onto hers 

"I love you" He whispered stuttering

He took his items and went on up the stairs a little slower taking in his surroundings then opening his door slowly closing it putting the water and the pills on the table next to his phone he slumped at his desk pulling out paper and a pen beginning to find the words to write it all felt cliche but he wasn't sure what to do he felt this might be a little closure for them. 

_Dear Mom & _ _Dad_

 _I wanna start off with saying I love you. After this it may seem like I don't but I do very much thanks to you guys I've gotten to know my small part of the world I know you have a million questions wondering where you went wrong what you could've done better but there is_ _absolutely nothing else you could've done for me you made me laugh when I was sad you make me feel special like I'm the only boy in the world. I'm sorry you're both beautiful people that deserve a better son I want you move on those are my wishes_

_I'm always gonna be you're boy,_

_Love Jonah x_

Taking a deep breath sealing the letter Jonah moved on to the next letter.

_Dear Andi_

_I guess you can say that you're the better B.E.E.F out of the two of the too of us. You're stronger smarter and the best at giving second chances. I truly appreciate every smile bit of advice and bracelet you've ever given me you've shaped me in so many ways. I'm sorry I let you down made you upset and dissapointed you I know I have I hope you find someone anyone special who can treat you better than I did._

_You rock Andiman,_

_Love Jonah x_

Tears spilt onto each letter but Jonah steadied his breathing continuing

_Dear Buffy,_

_Remember when you told me that you promised you're mom you would remain strong every time she got deployed? and we had that arm wrestling competition? Well now it's my turn to go away and I'm sorry for that you have every right to be angry with me. But I want you to promise me this you'll continue to be your confident funny and loyal self and break stereotypes showing all the jocks who's boss also please don't be strong it's okay to not be which is ironic coming from me but I'm don't have capability anymore so I hope you'll be better than me._

_Keep slaying Buffy,_

_Love Jonah x_

_Dear Tj & Amber _

_we've all had a rocky relationship but this isn't about that. You two are have been there through the lowest point in my life actually make that second lowest. Despite us not having the best history you were hospitable and took pity on me which I felt like I didn't deserve you saw me through one of my my roughest times Tj you saw me through two of them and for that I'm forever grateful. Amber again I'm so so so sorry I know you don't like me saying it but I needed to say it I know that you were insecure the first time around and I also played with your feeling the second time I was such a shitty boyfriend. But I'm so thankful I got the opportunity to be your friend. Tj look after Cyrus make sure he doesn't blame himself Amber look after Andi I see the heart eyes you make at her._

_You're my favourite siblings_

_Love Jonah x_

Jonah's hands shook violently he had saved this person till last the guy he would be letting down most the guy that always stuck his neck out for him. The one that would suffer most from all this. His best friend that he would be hurting. Cyrus.

_Dear Cyrus_

_Where do I even start? I'm so sorry I failed you I've let you down you've helped me every time I needed you never once did you hesitate. I never did anything for you. I'm sorry for hurting you forgive me please. understand I am at peace now but promise me you won't blame yourself because Cy you did everything you could. I told you before your bar mitzvah that we could go skateboarding together? Well think of this wherever I am I'm waiting for you with that skateboard when it's your time which I hope is not for many years you and me that's the first thing we will do be sure to get Tj to teach you first though._

_Keep being you Cy thank you,_

_Love Jonah x_

Jonah let a sob escape his lips as he hid his hands in his face he hadn't stopped crying despite not wanting to. The letters where left sealed on his desk addressed to each person intended for. Jonah changed opened his window before sitting on his bed he noticed a picture of him Andi, Buffy and Cyrus at the Shiva that day forever had a special place in his heart. His eyes started dry up almost running out of tears he took the framed picture to his chest closing his eyes taking a deep breath and sitting on his bed tracing over each face.

_At least they can go back to normal_

setting the picture to one side Jonah shakily picked up the bottle opening it dropping two into his hand backing them into his mouth and gulping them down. He repeated this again popping two pills into his hand putting them in his mouth drinking water and sealing his fate tears had returned to his face but he smiled. He hadn't properly smiled in months. over and over he repeated the nerve wrecking cycle that would soon end the pain, Burden he'd been carrying around for ages. finally he got to his last two as they went down his throat Jonah's thoughts went to every second he spent with his family friends wondering if they'll forget him. No. He knew they wouldn't having finished he put the empty bottle and glass with the letters and climbed into bed. 

He felt sick. An overwhelming feeling of emotions and dizziness. he put his head down the weight being unbearable. His muscles aching as the minutes that went on felt like hours. breathing became difficult the world was going in and out of focus and the corners got darker he sweating but he still had covers over him knowing it would soon be over. He felt as if he was losing his senses the only thing that he holding onto was the framed photo that he clung tightly to his chest. His phone buzzed the group chat was being texted.

 **Cyrus:** _goodnight guys sleep well <3_

 **Andi:** _Nite xxx_

 **Buffy** : _Sweet dreams x_

 **Tj:** _Night budz + Muffin_

 **Marty:** _Night my dudes_

 **Jonah:** _Goodbye (I'm sorry)_

With the last few ounces of strength Jonah had left in his body he hit send. The noises of buzzing slowly faded as he caved and let darkness take over.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not encouraging this in anyway if you do have these thoughts feelings please contact helplines speak to loved ones a few are listed below:  
> -Samaritans 116 123  
> -Child line 0800 1111  
> -suicide prevention helpline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)  
> -Crisis text line 741741  
> -Boys Town Suicide and Crisis Line 800-448-3000  
> I'm sorry if you were triggered I did warn but be careful and be safe in no way am I trying to mock or encourage such a difficult topic


End file.
